This Two Week Wait & TTC Process Is Killing Me

The day after I wrote my last blog entry I woke up feeling really down, dark, and mildly depressed.  I physically felt completely normal, and that upset and frustrated me because I was certain it meant this round of inseminations didn’t take. This thought process was completely absurd because it was way too early for symptoms.

And I knew that.  But I still felt really down and dark, thinking that this cycle wouldn’t take.  And worrying about how many months and cycles we would have to try before the possibility of actually achieving a pregnancy.

I felt a bit better the following day, but I was still having a hard time.  I only felt minimally better when I started to feel a little off and perhaps started to have a symptom, but I still felt really cynical.

I’m still feeling rather cynical and down today.  I felt better yesterday, but I’ve lost that optimism.

I do have one symptom that’s progressing with each passing day, but after having so many symptoms last cycle, and that cycle ending in a BFN, I’m too afraid to become hopeful.

What’s worse is I’m hardcore judging myself for feeling so down because we’ve only had one failed cycle.  There are women who have been trying to become pregnant for years without success.  We are still so early in our journey, and yet I feel like I can hardly handle where we are now, yet alone carry on.

The two week wait last cycle was so much easier to get through than this one.  Time is passing so slowly.  I feel so pessimistic.  I feel like I might need to take a break from trying if this month also ends in a BFN, and I feel so ridiculous thinking that I’ll need a break only after two months of attempts.

Tomorrow starts week #2 of this wait, so we are nearly halfway through.  I don’t think this week will be any easier than last week; in fact, I think it’ll probably be harder.

I wish I had the strength and courage that I see so many other women have who are also going through this process.

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8 thoughts on “This Two Week Wait & TTC Process Is Killing Me

  1. K.M.H March 19, 2017 / 8:51 pm

    TTC is hard. I cried every two week wait multiple times. I felt totally hopeless, and we were lucky to get pregnant on our third/fourth cycle. (Fourth overall, third this round).

    I think part of our difficulty (aside from low numbers) was that my eggs and our donor sperm just weren’t compatible, which can happen.

    It’s okay to be disheartened and upset. You deserve to be pregnant and bring life into this world. Keep telling yourself that. I remind myself every day, and it really helps. And it will happen.

    I had completely given up all hope this cycle when I got my BFP, so I know the feeling. Acknowledge it, but don’t give up. You can and will get pregnant:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • MommyToBe March 19, 2017 / 8:52 pm

      Thanks, darling. 🙂 This comment brightened my spirits a little. I hope it does happen. Did you ever change donors in your process?

      Like

      • K.M.H March 19, 2017 / 9:00 pm

        Twice, for a total of three different donors. Our first attempt was with a donor at a different bank. We only tried once, it failed, and we took a couple years to get married and then this adoption.

        We tried with a different donor, twice, with a different bank (that was cheaper), and both failed. Switched again, BFP on the first shot.

        Liked by 1 person

      • MommyToBe March 19, 2017 / 9:07 pm

        Thanks for the info. 🙂

        Like

  2. beautyboozeandbudgeting March 19, 2017 / 10:41 pm

    Girl, I feel you. We are expecting after trying for two years and the part that resonates with me the most is whenever you talked about how you feel like giving up for a minute even though it hasn’t been very long since you started trying. I completely relate to that because we can begin to feel silly or guilty because there’s always someone who has had it harder or tried much longer. Don’t feel that way. For real. Your feelings are valid. PCOS and ex-borderline-alcoholic here. I’ve been there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • MommyToBe March 19, 2017 / 10:47 pm

      Thank you so much for this comment. 🙂 Congrats on your pregnancy, you more than deserve it after two years of attempts.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. artbyaisya July 1, 2017 / 11:13 pm

    It’s been eight years… and one loss for us… I wouldn’t wish this one anyone.

    Like

  4. Blythe Wilson July 11, 2017 / 6:53 pm

    Girl, I get it. We have been TTC for 2 years. 2 rounds of IVF, 2 IUI’s and $25,000 later….still no baby. It takes a HUGE toll on you mentally and physically. Super important to take care of yourself so you don’t go crazy. I have spent this year enjoying life and taking care of myself. Still no baby, but I feel a lot better. I still have plenty of sad days though. It’s hard for me to grasp that I may never be a mom.

    Like

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