The day after I wrote my last blog entry I woke up feeling really down, dark, and mildly depressed. I physically felt completely normal, and that upset and frustrated me because I was certain it meant this round of inseminations didn’t take. This thought process was completely absurd because it was way too early for symptoms.
And I knew that. But I still felt really down and dark, thinking that this cycle wouldn’t take. And worrying about how many months and cycles we would have to try before the possibility of actually achieving a pregnancy.
I felt a bit better the following day, but I was still having a hard time. I only felt minimally better when I started to feel a little off and perhaps started to have a symptom, but I still felt really cynical.
I’m still feeling rather cynical and down today. I felt better yesterday, but I’ve lost that optimism.
I do have one symptom that’s progressing with each passing day, but after having so many symptoms last cycle, and that cycle ending in a BFN, I’m too afraid to become hopeful.
What’s worse is I’m hardcore judging myself for feeling so down because we’ve only had one failed cycle. There are women who have been trying to become pregnant for years without success. We are still so early in our journey, and yet I feel like I can hardly handle where we are now, yet alone carry on.
The two week wait last cycle was so much easier to get through than this one. Time is passing so slowly. I feel so pessimistic. I feel like I might need to take a break from trying if this month also ends in a BFN, and I feel so ridiculous thinking that I’ll need a break only after two months of attempts.
Tomorrow starts week #2 of this wait, so we are nearly halfway through. I don’t think this week will be any easier than last week; in fact, I think it’ll probably be harder.
I wish I had the strength and courage that I see so many other women have who are also going through this process.