I’m Pretty Sure We’re Out For Cycle #2

I say “pretty sure” because my period hasn’t started yet.  But as of this morning, I can feel it coming.

I took a pregnancy test both yesterday morning and today.  It’s still a bit early, as my period isn’t due until the next few days, but both tests were negative.

I posted in one of our TTC groups and several women commented saying “It’s still early, you’re not out until AF (Aunt Flow/menstrual cycle) shows up!”

And while it’s definitely early to give credit to negative pregnancy tests, I can definitely feel my period coming on.

This is surprisingly easier than being out our first cycle; I thought it would get harder and harder with each month that didn’t take.

I’m telling myself that each month that we try we increase our chances of conceiving.  There’s only a 20% chance each month of actually conceiving via artificial insemination at home.

There’s another woman from our TTC group who resides in the same state as we do, and I found out that her and her partner used a midwife to perform an at home IUI.  I reached out to her, and she very happily gave me the information for this Midwife group and encouraged me to reach out.

I told my wife that if we don’t seem to have any luck with artificial insemination at home by the end of the year that perhaps we can try this.  They only charge $300 per attempt.  This is affordable to us, and it has given me some hope.

The only thing I worry about with each failed cycle is if at home artificial insemination will work for us; it doesn’t for all couples.  My wife keeps insisting “this is only two failed cycles, we should definitely keep trying.”

I’m also wondering how likely it is that our OBGYN will prescribe me fertility meds if our third cycle fails next month.

A part of me worries that she’ll tell me that three failed cycles is perfectly normal, and that she’ll want us to make more attempts before prescribing me fertility meds.  But, I suppose it can’t hurt to ask.  I’m thinking of sending her an email once my period starts.

Onto cycle #3 next month, I suppose! It really is much easier this time around.  Hopefully the third time will be the charm.

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This Two Week Wait & TTC Process Is Killing Me

The day after I wrote my last blog entry I woke up feeling really down, dark, and mildly depressed.  I physically felt completely normal, and that upset and frustrated me because I was certain it meant this round of inseminations didn’t take. This thought process was completely absurd because it was way too early for symptoms.

And I knew that.  But I still felt really down and dark, thinking that this cycle wouldn’t take.  And worrying about how many months and cycles we would have to try before the possibility of actually achieving a pregnancy.

I felt a bit better the following day, but I was still having a hard time.  I only felt minimally better when I started to feel a little off and perhaps started to have a symptom, but I still felt really cynical.

I’m still feeling rather cynical and down today.  I felt better yesterday, but I’ve lost that optimism.

I do have one symptom that’s progressing with each passing day, but after having so many symptoms last cycle, and that cycle ending in a BFN, I’m too afraid to become hopeful.

What’s worse is I’m hardcore judging myself for feeling so down because we’ve only had one failed cycle.  There are women who have been trying to become pregnant for years without success.  We are still so early in our journey, and yet I feel like I can hardly handle where we are now, yet alone carry on.

The two week wait last cycle was so much easier to get through than this one.  Time is passing so slowly.  I feel so pessimistic.  I feel like I might need to take a break from trying if this month also ends in a BFN, and I feel so ridiculous thinking that I’ll need a break only after two months of attempts.

Tomorrow starts week #2 of this wait, so we are nearly halfway through.  I don’t think this week will be any easier than last week; in fact, I think it’ll probably be harder.

I wish I had the strength and courage that I see so many other women have who are also going through this process.