After Eight Failed Cycles, We Got Our BFP!!!!!


I haven’t written in this blog since March.  There are many huge life changes that have happened since I last wrote, and one of them happened this morning; my wife and I got our first two positive pregnancy tests!!!!

This has been a while coming.  Since my last update, we made six more pregnancy attempts, only to have them all end in blood and heartbreak.

It still feels surreal.  I’m terrified my period will show up, and perhaps it will.  I’m worried that this won’t last, which I’m honestly happy about.  I would rather expect the worst and not get too attached.  I’m excited, but cautious.  I’m trying to take this very slow.

Eight failed attempts before now…and it has all been worth it!!


Officially Out For Cycle #2; Onto Cycle #3

My period came exactly on time, on Monday, right along with the new Moon.  It was hard at first, but I felt better later on.  This is something that just may take a while.  I keep reminding myself that it’s normal for a heterosexual couple to take a year of trying to become pregnant.

Our donor couple is all ready for cycle #3.  In fact, they were inquiring with me about the timing of it before my period showed up and we were officially out.

I talked with my wife, and her and I are in agreement; we’d like to try one more round with our primary donor couple, and if cycle #3 is unsuccessful, we may switch to our secondary donor couple for a few rounds/cycles.

There’s a chance that my eggs and our secondary donor’s sperm could be more compatible.  I figure it’s a shot in the dark, but many women in our TTC groups have had success after switching donors.

Many women in our groups also didn’t have success until a year, or even two, of trying.

I just keep reminding myself that we have to keep at it.  It seems daunting, to track ovulation and to get together with either donor couple, month, after month, after month.

Especially with how overwhelmed I’ve been with my career and clients lately.  Business is blossoming and blooming, and it’s amazing, but it’s also a lot to juggle along with TTCing.

Right now my wife and I are only looking at houses that our relator send us. via email, but in a few months we’ll actually need to start looking in person, and start preparing to make offers.

Thinking of juggling my expanding business, starting our first home-buying process, and still trying to conceive month to month has my head spinning.  I ended up having to take a mental health day for myself yesterday because of how burned out and busy I feel.

We may need to take a month off here or there from TTCing.  We’ll see what happens.  This has already been the craziest journey I’ve ever taken, and we are only two months into attempts.

I’m Pretty Sure We’re Out For Cycle #2

I say “pretty sure” because my period hasn’t started yet.  But as of this morning, I can feel it coming.

I took a pregnancy test both yesterday morning and today.  It’s still a bit early, as my period isn’t due until the next few days, but both tests were negative.

I posted in one of our TTC groups and several women commented saying “It’s still early, you’re not out until AF (Aunt Flow/menstrual cycle) shows up!”

And while it’s definitely early to give credit to negative pregnancy tests, I can definitely feel my period coming on.

This is surprisingly easier than being out our first cycle; I thought it would get harder and harder with each month that didn’t take.

I’m telling myself that each month that we try we increase our chances of conceiving.  There’s only a 20% chance each month of actually conceiving via artificial insemination at home.

There’s another woman from our TTC group who resides in the same state as we do, and I found out that her and her partner used a midwife to perform an at home IUI.  I reached out to her, and she very happily gave me the information for this Midwife group and encouraged me to reach out.

I told my wife that if we don’t seem to have any luck with artificial insemination at home by the end of the year that perhaps we can try this.  They only charge $300 per attempt.  This is affordable to us, and it has given me some hope.

The only thing I worry about with each failed cycle is if at home artificial insemination will work for us; it doesn’t for all couples.  My wife keeps insisting “this is only two failed cycles, we should definitely keep trying.”

I’m also wondering how likely it is that our OBGYN will prescribe me fertility meds if our third cycle fails next month.

A part of me worries that she’ll tell me that three failed cycles is perfectly normal, and that she’ll want us to make more attempts before prescribing me fertility meds.  But, I suppose it can’t hurt to ask.  I’m thinking of sending her an email once my period starts.

Onto cycle #3 next month, I suppose! It really is much easier this time around.  Hopefully the third time will be the charm.

This Two Week Wait & TTC Process Is Killing Me

The day after I wrote my last blog entry I woke up feeling really down, dark, and mildly depressed.  I physically felt completely normal, and that upset and frustrated me because I was certain it meant this round of inseminations didn’t take. This thought process was completely absurd because it was way too early for symptoms.

And I knew that.  But I still felt really down and dark, thinking that this cycle wouldn’t take.  And worrying about how many months and cycles we would have to try before the possibility of actually achieving a pregnancy.

I felt a bit better the following day, but I was still having a hard time.  I only felt minimally better when I started to feel a little off and perhaps started to have a symptom, but I still felt really cynical.

I’m still feeling rather cynical and down today.  I felt better yesterday, but I’ve lost that optimism.

I do have one symptom that’s progressing with each passing day, but after having so many symptoms last cycle, and that cycle ending in a BFN, I’m too afraid to become hopeful.

What’s worse is I’m hardcore judging myself for feeling so down because we’ve only had one failed cycle.  There are women who have been trying to become pregnant for years without success.  We are still so early in our journey, and yet I feel like I can hardly handle where we are now, yet alone carry on.

The two week wait last cycle was so much easier to get through than this one.  Time is passing so slowly.  I feel so pessimistic.  I feel like I might need to take a break from trying if this month also ends in a BFN, and I feel so ridiculous thinking that I’ll need a break only after two months of attempts.

Tomorrow starts week #2 of this wait, so we are nearly halfway through.  I don’t think this week will be any easier than last week; in fact, I think it’ll probably be harder.

I wish I had the strength and courage that I see so many other women have who are also going through this process.

Round #2 of Artificial Inseminations Are Now Complete

As of today my wonderful wife and I have completed round #2 of artificial inseminations.  This round was pretty wild and crazy because my surge and ovulation occurred 3-4 days later than my previous two cycles.

My first positive OPK (ovulation prediction kit) for the last two months occurred four days after I had finished my period.  On this, our second cycle, the first positive OPK happened a smooth seven days after I had finished my last period.

I experienced what so many women in my TTC Facebook groups have experienced; my period and cycle completely reset after the initial introduction of sperm inside my body.

What made this cycle of pregnancy attempts so wild and crazy is that my wife and I decided to start our attempts one day earlier than our previous cycle…and this happened before we realized my surge and ovulation were happening later this month!

The result of this was that we accidentally started the inseminations a bit early, ahead of my surge…which means that by the time the surge and ovulation actually happened we did a total of seven artificial inseminations.

…..SEVEN!!  I mean, what the even hell!?

The amazing thing about all of this is that our donor was completely understanding about all of it.  I was honest with him about my surge and cycle being different this month, and before I could even ask if there were any way he could give us even more inseminations after the initial three, he beat me to it by saying “No problem, we’ll just continue with the inseminations until you surge.”

…I’ll truly never understand how we got so lucky with a donor.

The area we live in was predicted to be hit with a pretty large snowstorm this week, and so to be able to continue inseminations my wife and I purposely got snowed in with our donor and his girlfriend last night.

It was fun, relaxing, and everyone had a great time.  For all of the new followers on this blog, I’ll quickly explain that our donor and his girlfriend are two of our closest friends. We’ve known them for years and years.

This round of inseminations has gone completely differently from the first.  And I don’t even mean because we used softcups to inseminate instead of syringes with preseed.  My body feels fine, it feels mostly normal in fact.  Last cycle, during our first attempt, my body felt crazy, off, and completely foreign to me.

I suppose after getting three doses of sperm in our first attempt last month my body is more use to sperm, and is no longer being shocked by something it doesn’t recognize.

We are officially in our second two week wait!! I am feeling much more relaxed, normal, and way less crazed than after our first attempt last month.

The only thing I’ve noticed physically, which started last night, is that I have a “warm, fuzzy feeling” all throughout my ovaries and pelvic area.  I’m not sure what this is from, but it feels nice and comforting, and isn’t painful, strange, or harmful feeling, so I’m not worried.

I’ll try to update more during this two week wait than I did last cycle.  I’m happy to be feeling much more like myself this time around.

Soft Cups Vs. Diva Cups for Artificial Insemination

Since my last entry I’ve practiced with two of the Instead brand soft cups for the past two days.  My immediate results are that these are ten hundred times easier than the Diva cups/menstrual cups!

I first started to try using the Diva Cup last year in the place of tampons for my menstrual cycle.  This was way before I knew my wife and I would even seriously entertain the idea of trying for a pregnancy via artificial insemination at home.

I….didn’t have much luck with them.  I tried to use them for several different periods, before giving up in a heap of frustration and going back to the tampon life.

Upon joining TTC groups on FB last year I discovered that many women try to use menstrual or soft cups after artificial inseminations to help hold the sperm inside their bodies-I thought this was brilliant!

So last cycle my wife and I ordered and bought me fresh diva cups to try and help hold the sperm inside my body after inseminations.

It…did not work out so well.  There was lots of diva cup drama our very first insemination that led to a lot of pain and uncomfortableness the next day.  We also had some cup drama after the third insemination, and both instances stressed me out.

I’ve recently noticed that a lot of the women in our TTC groups have said that they had no luck with the Diva or menstrual Cups, but that they love the Instead brand soft cups for inseminations because they hold the sperm must closer to the cervix.

Upon further investigation, the internet confirmed for me that the soft cups are very different from the Diva Cups.

They are inserted into your body in a very different way…a much easier way.  They also sit differently inside your body, and sure enough, they sit right underneath the cervix.

I definitely had a bias against trying them because of my bad luck with the Diva Cup.  Even knowing that they are inserted differently, and sit inside the body differently, I was still cynical abut getting the hang of them.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m able to insert the soft cup right into my body.  Flawlessly.  Comfortably.  It feels comfortable once it’s inside my body, unlike the Diva cup.

For this cycle we are going to skip the syringe all together, and just have our donor donate directly into the soft cup. I will then just plop the soft cup with the sperm inside of it right into my body.  This pleases me greatly because more women in our TTC groups have been able to conceive at home doing this method, as oppose to using a syringe.

We are also going to have me eat pineapple core for a few days after I ovulate, because bromelain is said to help with implantation.  Many women in our TTC groups have done this, and many have had success.  Though of course none can say whether eating pineapple actually helped.

The whole pineapple thing seems very unlikely to me that it could make a difference in implantation.  I kind of feel like either you are going to get pregnant, or you aren’t.  But at the same time what can it hurt?! So alas, we will try it.

We will begin our inseminations for this cycle tonight!  Based on the OPKs, I am predicted to start surging tomorrow, so ovulation can happen anywhere between tomorrow and Saturday.  Our amazing and helpful donor has agreed to four inseminations this cycle.  Tonight, tomorrow night, Friday night, and sometime on Saturday.

Here we goooo!. Cycle #2.  Perhaps soft cups and pineapple will be the answer.  Only time will tell!

Gearing Up For Cycle #2 Amongst Being Too Busy

The last week has flown by incredibly fast.  I am already finished my normal seven day period, and pregnancy attempt #2 will begin later this week!

However, this won’t be a normal month of inseminations.  One of my closest friends will be coming into town to stay with us for three nights and four days.  She’ll be in town from NYC.  I shall pick her up from the bus stop Thursday night.

You may be wondering why I’ve scheduled a friend to visit us while we will need to be doing a cycle of inseminations.  The answer to this is simple: when I scheduled this visit months ago, it was originally during a time where I would be on the end of my period, thus not quite yet time to start a cycle of inseminations.

My period came five days early this month, therefore throwing off my normal period schedule, and probably my ovulation schedule as well.

The moment this period started early I reached out to my friend and warned her that her visit with us this time may be a little unusual.  Right away she told me to stop apologizing and assured me that she doesn’t mind at all.  She understands that are pregnancy attempts are time sensitive.

Thank gawd this friend is close enough to me that she already knew about all of this beforehand.  She already knew we had started our TTC journey, and that we were using a known donor.  She knew a lot about how we were conducting these artificial inseminations at home. She even knew that we try to do three inseminations per cycle.

Even with her assurance that she doesn’t mind, it’s still a crazy time to do round #2 of inseminations.  On top of that I have a very busy week of self-employment this week. I have four clients, one of them twice this week, and a long chair gig tomorrow.  My wife and I need to completely clean the house in preparation for our guest.  We have to host said guest and keep her occupied and happy, while also meeting with our donor couple to do inseminations.  I have to start tracking my ovulation today.  I also need to figure out how to use menstrual soft cups…

We bought these yesterday.  The women in our FB TTC groups say that these cups will hold the sperm closer to the cervix than an actual menstrual cup.  The difference between these soft cups and normal menstrual cups are that these cups are disposable; menstrual cups you wash and re-use for up to a year.

The only problem is that I haven’t even started to practice using these! I’m going to start after I finish this post.  Before I start getting ready to head to my first client of the week….

We were busy this entire weekend with friends and family.  We’ve been busy for the last five weekends or so.  We’ve been incredibly busy this year.

I need find some downtime after this week and weekend.  With all this craziness going on I’m already kind of expecting this cycle not to take…

EDIT:   I just flawlessly inserted the soft cup into my body and successfully took it out twice.  It is much, much, much easier than a menstrual cup.

We are going to have our donor donate directly into the soft cup, and I will just insert the soft cup with sperm inside of it into my body.  We will be skipping the syringe all together.

I feel a lot better, and more confident about this cycle now! =)

CD3 of C#2; Ready to Try Again Next Week

Since so many of you were leaving encouraging and kind comments on my last post (thank you!) I thought it would be best to give an update for Cycle #1.

A few hours after I posted my last entry I started to bleed quite a bit more.  I am definitely on my period now.  The result of our first cycle trying is a BFN.

And while I always told myself that a pregnancy definitely wouldn’t take our first cycle trying, I still somehow got my hopes up.  It was still disappointing to start bleeding.

I was surprisingly not feeling too down and defeated yesterday, but the despair set in late last night.  My wife and I have also been emailing and talking with a lender over the last week, and a few stressful situations came up yesterday.  Along with the BFN and my period starting, I started to feel really down and defeated last night.

I cried for a bit last night after we went to bed.  My wife held me and whispered reassuring words.  I woke up this morning also feeling pretty down, sad, and defeated.

However, this afternoon changed my pep and step quite a bit; we received amazing news from our lender this afternoon!!!

I went from feeling sad and down this morning to feeling blissfully surprised, happy, and pretty over the moon.  I spent some time thanking the universe for some good news after the devastating news of a failed first cycle.

My wife and I needed this; we both definitely feel more positive for cycle #2.

My wife has been saying “March is our month.  Perhaps March will be a month full of yes’s, since February was a month full of no’s.”

Last month we also received news that our landlady will not allow us to rescue a puppy.  Which just, of course, gave us an even bigger incentive to buy a home of our own.

We are going to be doing two things differently this second cycle.  For one, I want to nix the use of pre-seed.  I know many two women couples who had success using pre-seed at home, but I recently found a thread in one of our TTC groups where women reported having success when they stopped using pre-seed!

This kind of makes sense to my brain.  Women who conceive naturally don’t use pre-seed to help guide the sperm to the fallopian tubes.  One woman in one of the groups said she read that pre-seed could actually get in the way of the sperm.  So, we are going to try this cycle without it.

Another change we’d like to make is to start our inseminations this month a day early.  We are hoping to do our first insemination the day before my first positive ovulation test.  This way we can be assured that some sperm will be waiting for the egg.

I feel a little more hopeful this month, especially after receiving fantastic news this afternoon.  Maybe my wife is right.  Maybe March will be the month of “yes!” for us.

Here’s to hoping.  Congrats to all of you who received your BFPs this month! And to everyone who also received a BFN with us, may we all continue on with strength and courage for our next cycle.

Early Spotting and a Negative Pregnancy Test

I am 99.9% sure we are not pregnant.  I am 99.9% sure that we are out for this cycle.

I started spotting earlier today.  Which is very weird because….this is early for me.  My period isn’t due until Wednesday-Saturday of this week.

My cycles range anywhere from 28-31 days, and are usually 29 days.  If this is day#1 of my period, or if tomorrow is day #1 of my period, than that makes this cycle either 25 or 26 days.  Which is very short.  I never have cycles this short.

The spotting convinced me that my period was on its way, so just to rule it out I took a first response pregnancy test.  Sure enough…it was negative.  Very, very negative.  There wasn’t even the hint of a line.

I put on a pantyliner, and waited to start bleeding all day.  Waiting for a full on period, even though it’s 3-4 days early for my period to start.

My period never started.  I have had extremely light bleeding and spotting all day.  I’ve been home for nearly two hours now, and I haven’t bled even a drop in that time.

To make matters even weirder I don’t have 2-3 of my normal pre-period symptoms.  One of those symptoms is horrible acne around my jaw line.  I usually get horrible acne all over my jaw lines  right before my period.  The other normal pre-period symptom that is nonexistent are my horrible cramps.

Where are they? They aren’t here.  I usually get warning cramps a week before my period begins, and then warning cramps again 3-4 days before my period starts.  I haven’t had any cramping today, and I didn’t have any yesterday.

The only pre-period symptom I do have is a decreased appetite.  I get that every month before my period, and that started yesterday.

To make matters more confusing a really good friend of mine called to tell me that she got her period while she was pregnant with both of her sons.  She said to me “Maybe you’re not pregnant…but don’t discount it completely.  Your boobs have gotten huge over the last two weeks (she’s seen me twice) and I got my period with both of my boys.”


As of now, I am expecting to start a full-fledged period.  I’m counting us as “out” for this cycle.  I’m looking forward to attempt #2 next month.

I’m hoping to fully get my period later tonight or tomorrow.  The sooner I get my period, the sooner I finish my period, and then the sooner we can get going with attempt #2.

I called our donor on the way home from a client earlier, and the first thing he said to me was “Many women have spotting when they are pregnant.”

I love how knowledgable he is about pregnancy and periods.  I love how he always tries to be optimistic.  He’s a fantastic donor.  We got very lucky.

He understands that I am most likely getting my period, and he is game to start our second round of inseminations either late next week, next weekend, or early the following week.

Here’s to hoping I start a full on period soon.  I’m looking forward to attempt #2 next month.

This first month trying was downright crazy, and a rollercoaster.

Our Very First Round of Insems, and Two Week Wait!

Warning: This blog posts contains female body parts, and very personal information about a pregnancy attempt.  If any of the above will make you feel grossed out, or squeamish, I’d advise you to skip this post.

It’s happened.  It’s over.  Last week, I ovulated, and my wife and I did our very first round of artificial inseminations.

Our first positive ovulation test occurred on Sunday morning.  We had our primary donor couple come to us that afternoon for the first insemination, and then we did our second insemination Monday night, and our third on Valentine’s Day Tuesday.

I have mixed reviews of our first round went.  Something that shocked me to no end is that I had fun! Yes. I enjoyed being inseminated.  It was exciting.  It was thrilling.  I enjoyed getting together with our primary donor couple, because they are close friends of ours.

We did have some insemination drama with the menstrual cups the first night, and the third night of inseminations.  After our initial first night with that bit of drama I felt stupid, defeated, and like I had ruined every single sperm that was dispensed into my body.

I’m going to skip ahead to the craziness of how every single day has been since our first insemination.  I thought I was going crazy last week, or that we had done something wrong, and that something was wrong with my body.  I got very helpful news from a close friend yesterday, and after a full week of frequently browsing online pregnancy forums I no longer feel scared, and like something is wrong with my body.

I had symptoms and felt extremely off after the very first night that we inseminated.

That’s right.  How in the hell can that happen? It’s way too soon and too early to feel any conceiving or pregnancy symptoms.  So than the fear kicked in; I worried we had somehow done it wrong.

The first three days after our first insemination I woke up and my boobs and nipples hurt like never before.  Let me explain that tender or painful breasts is never a thing that happens to me. It doesn’t happen doing my awful periods, or ovulation time, or ever.  Not until we started dispensing sperm into my body.

I immediately started to google the affects of having sperm in your body for the very first time. It was not a fruitful search.  I also googled being allergic to sperm, because I know that that’s a thing.  That search gave me symptoms that I had none of, and also told me that it’s a fairly uncommon occurrence.  Perhaps one in a million women are allergic to sperm.

Aside from the my very painful and sensitive breasts, I had excessive thirst and dry mouth the first three days.  This might sound strange, but this is the first time I’ve ever experienced dry mouth in my entire life.  It felt like I couldn’t get enough water into my body.  I drank, and I drank, and still my body was thirsty as hell, specifically for water.

The third symptom I had the first three days, and the one that had me worried out of my mind was that I had pressure behind my ovaries.

I’ve never had any feeling in either of my ovaries besides cramps, which I get a few days before my period starts.  I have very heavy, and horrible periods, along with horrible cramps to go with it.  However, I have never experienced “pressure” in my ovaries, and I’ve also never experienced any sensation in my ovaries without being on, or near my period.

My initial thought was “It’s air, what else causes pressure besides air! We put air in my body!” I was shocked about this because my wife and I took every precaution to make sure there was no air inside of the syringe.  The second night I prepped the syringe, and my wife prepped it a second time after I did it.  The first and third night, I watched like a hawk as I watched my wife flicked, and pushed any air or air bubble  outside of the syringe.

My wife spent some time googling about accidentally putting air into your vagina with a syringe…and I had none of the symptoms that were listed.  I mean, none.  Zero.

My wife also read that if some air got in that way it’s really nothing to freak out about or be concerned about.  I calmed down a bit after that, and felt a bit better, but the pressure was constant, and I still worried a bit.

After the third day, the sore breasts and nipples, excessive thirst, and dry mouth symptoms went away.  The pressure, however, didn’t.  The pressure intensified for the following two days.  I also started to wake up with a metal taste in my mouth, and have moments during those days were I strongly tasted metal.  On day 5, I smelled metal for a while.

A few times on day 5, I had a moment of nausea here and there.  These moments only lasted a minute or two, and then went away.  I started to feel *a little* hopeful, at this point, that maybe these were definite symptoms, however the nausea was very fleeting, so I was still a bit worried.

Over the weekend, the “pressure” in my ovaries became full on cramps.  They felt like period cramps.  It felt like I was about to get my period, based on the level of cramping I had, even though they felt a bit different from period cramps.

The “slight” nausea I had the day before turned into mild nausea.  On Saturday I had about a total of one hour nausea.  Yesterday? I had about three hours of nausea.

This nauseated periods over the weekend could be defined as “mild”. It definitely wasn’t slight nausea, but it definitely was not severe.  I also started to get headaches, which is just completely strange for me.  I get about 1-2 headaches a year.  I’ve never had a migraine in my life, or anything close to a migraine.

The symptom of cramps had me freaked out again.  Even though several woman report having cramps during the implantation phase of their successful cycles, I was still freaked.  Even one of my period tracking apps told me many women have cramping with implantation, and I still felt freaked.  I kept hoping it would die down, and simply go back to pressure, but it didn’t.  These two days were 6-7 days from our first insemination, and probable ovulation day, which is a perfect time for implantation to occur.  For some reason, that didn’t help.  I was still freaked.

I had cramps as I fell asleep last night, and anytime I woke up during the course of the night.  But I’m very happy to report that since stepping out bed this morning and going about my day, the cramps have lessened! They have simply returned back to pressure.

I was quite nauseous this morning.  More nauseous than I was this weekend, or last week.  This lasted for about 45 minutes, and then went away.  And then it’s come and gone today, about four times since.

I still have pressure in my ovaries, and it’s very bearable, unlike the cramps this weekend.  I am no longer feeling concerned or worried that we did something wrong.  This weekend was 6-7 days post ovulation, so my wife and I are both hopeful that perhaps it was implantation cramping that I was having.  The continued nausea, and pressure in my ovaries, has me a bit hopeful as well.

Last night I massaged a very close friend of mine, who is also a massage therapist.  I told her everything that I’ve been feeling since last week, and she had some helpful news.  Apparently a woman that we both worked with for a year could tell right away when she had conceived and gotten pregnant.

She would call my friend and say “I just got pregnant earlier today!”,  or “I just got pregnant last night!” She had this happen three times in her life, and she was rightfully pregnant all three times.  (She has two sons, and had a miscarriage in between them.)

Both my wife and I have been googling like crazy, and while they are few and far in between, we’ve found other women out there.  Women who say they knew right away, or the next day.  I’ve even found woman who had sore boobs and nipples immediately, and I felt much better.

It feels good to no longer be worrying that we did something wrong, or that some new illness was happening to my body at the same time as our first pregnancy attempt.

I am, of course, still scared.  I’m scared of these symptoms disappearing all of a sudden.  I’m afraid that the pressure I was so scared of at first in my ovaries will disappear.

I’m nervous to start taking pregnancy tests next week, despite all of this craziness.

As I type this long post I am nauseous.  I have a headache.  I have pressure in my ovaries.

But only time will tell as we finally start testing next week.  Here’s to hoping….this is all still very shocking, and I am a whirlwind of emotions, as I’m sure you can tell.

Fingers crossed and babydust to all my TTC Mommas following this blog, as well as to myself.